Human needs psychology states we ALL have the following needs: love, variety, certainty, significance, growth, and contribution.
What differs between us is the importance or rank of each of these needs. For instance, if one ranks certainty over love, then unless that person is feeling safe, they won’t flow love no matter how much they want to.
Love over Certainty
For most of my life, I have ranked certainty over love. Now that I am aware of it, I can choose differently. All of our behaviors are motivated by our needs, which may be unconscious or conscious. Once we become aware of our needs and combine them with our ability to choose, then we are more likely to fulfill our needs in a way that is not only beneficial to us, but that is beneficial to those important people in our lives and beyond.
How do you rank love relative to certainty?
Choosing love over certainty means allowing a big dose of vulnerability, which is the essence of love. It means not stuffing or minimizing our hurts, but sharing our hurts with our loved ones. At times, it means we excuse ourselves to cool down, so we can reflect. After reflecting, we can share our hurts from the motivation of furthering our love and connection, rather than sharing from a motivation of retribution.
By not sharing our hurt feelings, our relationships are eroded. We often put up barriers to our heart to protect us from getting hurt. These barriers can show up in the emotional realm of our relationships as the lack of warmth and compassion, or in the physical realm of our relationships as the lack of meaningful conversation or nourishing sex. The more barriers, the less we share, and the less we share, the more we suffer from the absence of love we want.
Your heart is waiting!
Walling off our hearts is the same as physically leaving the relationship.
Yes, at times that may be what the relationship calls for. However, what I see now is there is another way that is so much more rewarding for it expands love and connection.
Yes, it is scary, because it places us in the arena of owning how we are feeling, asking for what we need, and knowing our loved one may reject our request.
Yet, what I have found is connecting with my own feelings, sharing them from my desire for intimacy without attachment, then asking for what I need almost always brings me that deep love and connection I am really yearning for. We are worthy of the immense love and deep connection that our hearts desire.
Try it out: Start with something small first. Get support from a trusted confidant, counselor, or coach. Do it NOW, for your heart is waiting!